Many Tommies are still feeling the effects of the disappearance of a commercial liner carrying 34 students to their desired lunch food last Thursday. The ship reportedly departed at 11:45 and went off into the distance amongst the sea of students in the line, not to be seen since.
“I’m worried and all, but I find comfort in the idea that wherever they are, they likely found those huge, delicious cookies they were looking for,” said a friend of one of the passengers.
“It’s hard to focus when you keep hearing flares being shot all throughout class,” complains a Grade 11 student.
The ship disappeared after a rough day at sea forced her into the infamous Lunch Line Triangle, a mysterious area where several Lunch liners disappeared in the 1870s while on a mass expedition to find the legendary ‘Land of Many Garlic Fingers’.
“Every time we manage to get out onto the water, about half of our people forget where they are and abandon ship to grab a soft taco and fruit snacks,” laments the head of the search party. “Everyone is hungry and sad. I guess there’s some stuff even baked potato chips can’t fix.”
“What I’m wondering…” begins a local pundit, “Is why a ship was sent out when the line was that aggressive. I mean, the waves of students were 25 feet high. There has to be a better way.”
The search party continues to innovate in new ways to find the ship, most recently with ‘All You Can Eat Chicken Burgers’ signs. “Surely that’ll bring them swimming back to shore,” a member of the search party enthusiastically asserts.